


In Search of a Beautiful Death

by Mercenary



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Death Wish, Depression, Developing Friendships, Gen, Ghoul Investigator Kaneki Ken, Major Character Injury, Personal Growth, Suicidal Ideation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-23 12:21:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14934191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercenary/pseuds/Mercenary
Summary: Kaneki Ken was a liar to the core. With the loss of his dearest friend, he is left alone. Bereft, he finds himself trained to be a Ghoul Investigator. All that he believes is left for him is to find the ghoul responsible for Hide's death. There is no cost too high to pay to avenge his dead friend.





	1. Return to the 20th Ward

**Author's Note:**

> Self indulgent AU.  
> Written in one sitting and posted.  
> Some familiar traumatised Kaneki. Planned convergence with canon relevant events as story progresses.

He stepped foot back into the 20th ward with trepidation. This had been home once, in another life, one where he had been a different person. That person was dead, devoured by his own weakness. At present, he was no longer a weakling as before, someone that was doomed to die a pointless death.

Second Rank Ghoul Investigator Kaneki Ken frowned beneath the fading light. He carried his briefcase at his side; comforted by the weight of it, by the knowledge of what was concealed within. His serviceable black shoes were silent against the street.  There was work to be done.

Kaneki Ken tipped his head back and sniffed the air. Something, or at least the promise of it, told him that there would be trouble. And with that in mind, he felt his frown twist into a mockery of a smile. Anticipation rising, with the sensation of a shiver going up his spine, setting the fine hairs on his neck erect, and even blood was pounding thick and hot through his body. And he felt so alive.

If he was correct, there would be no way for one like her to resist. A ghoul as gluttonous as her would see him as a prize: just the right mix of otherness about him that would have her salivating. Others far subtler than her, had fallen prey to their disgusting mindless need to sate a desire only he could provide.

Grim as his mentor, he gave an outside image of aimlessness. Shoulders hunched forward, head drooping downwards to stare at the ground. A briefcase that dragged against the ground as if he was despondent. He walked and he walked. Kaneki took different turns, he moved past his old haunt of Anteiku, while thinking fondly of the coffee that had warmed him so completely.

 Before he let fate drag him onto a different path of fading into the patchwork tapestry of nothing.  He thought briefly of the pretty waitress, a name he could not recall now, and wondered if she worked there still.

Yukimura 1/3 was a weight hidden within the folds of his coat. Kaneki did not let impatience ruin the ruse, even as he clenched the grip of the briefcase so tightly he thought it would snap _. Come, glutton_ , he thought. _Try and feast on me._

He lost himself to what noise the faint breeze carried about him. A beautiful serenity that made him feel as if he was floating along with no cares or worries. She would come and he would carry out his duty as a Ghoul Investigator. He would kill the one who had taken Hide from Kaneki.

As evening edged closer to the true fall of dusk, there was nothing to suggest that she would come a-hunting, and he barely stopped himself from throwing the briefcase away in a bout of angry frustration. Furuta had sworn the intelligence was to be trusted. He had promised Kaneki that the Binge Eater would find him. The old Kaneki had fit her preferred profile type. Hours and hours poured over maps of the Ward and cross-referencing with believed Binge Eater victims. His breathing quickened and his eyes narrowed _._

_Failure… Failure…_ Echoed within his head with Hide’s voice as the instrument upon which that chorus was played. 

The briefcase dropped and he clutched at his head with an angry, animalistic screech.  On his knees, they hit the hard ground with the painful crack of impact. Kaneki didn’t care, didn’t even truly feel it, as he rocked forwards. He smashed his head against the ground. Again. Again. He just wanted that accusing voice to stop.

“Hide…” Kaneki choked out, blood streaming down over his eyes. He had split his head from the force of the self-inflicted blows. “I didn’t know. I wasn’t there. Please don’t hate me.” 

Coldness pervaded every inch of his body. In and out, he felt himself freeze. As if all the blood had leaked out from his vessel, the warmth of life flowing out and away from him. His arms wrapped around his chest and he tried to blink through the flow of blood over his eyes. Kaneki looked around him and let out a howl as the weight of grief rushed through him.

Hide was gone.

Nothing would ever bring him back. Kaneki Ken was all alone and it was because he could not protect what he loved. All alone and what was left of his heart made a ragged, wretched existence. Yukimura 1/3 dug into him, awkwardly displaced as it were; by fault of the weakness that brought him to his knees.

This weakness within him had to be cut away. He had to burn it out from within if he ever wanted to make good his vow.

Time was not his friend, he had less than five days to find her by himself. To fail would allow for other Investigators to be given the freedom to hunt for her. That was not something he could let happen; not when he alone held all the details and the right to eliminate _her._

Not when he could picture that long striking hair, that walked away with Hide.  Nobody knew what Kaneki held close to him, that was the appearance of the Binge Eater.  It had to be her – it had to be that girl, because why else would Kaneki feel so laden with guilt? Because it should have been him to die.

Upon that thought, he forced himself upright, wiped the blood from his face. Even as the wound continued to bleed; even still, it pained him in only a distant unimportant way. From experience, there were far worse sensations that could be plaguing him. His head wound was nothing.

His teacher had seen something in him. Whatever he had seen in the waifish, empty eyed weakling that he had been didn’t matter. All that Kaneki cared about was how he had been reformed into a weapon by the best.

Kaneki picked up the briefcase and forced himself to walk. Patience and discipline were two things that Arima-san had instilled within him, training Kaneki’s mind alongside his body. His body was lean and powerful, arms strong from wielding Yukimura 1/3. He had to pull himself together for Hide.

“Anteiku,” Kaneki voiced with the memory of where Hide had seen _her._  If she was what he thought, he might find a lead at the quaint café. “Tomorrow.” 

Rain fell and he ignored it as it soaked him through. His episode already pushed aside in favour of a new plan of action that was half-way formed in his mind. Tonight, had been a failure because of his impatience.

Once, the same streets he walked now, had been his home. Kaneki had lived here, never had he imagined that it would become an ugly memory of the past. Nor that it would be a reminder of a different person, a thing that he wanted to shatter into a thousand tiny pieces of glass. To grind those memory fragments up until all associations with the 20th ward was nothing but specks of dust in the wind.

His past was gone, the present was here, and he had no future.


	2. Their Death Will Be Complacency

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who needs sleep. I do. Yeah, same spiel: edits are for people far better than me. I post my shit like a card carrying member of the trash heap that I am.

All he felt was disdain when he looked at the 20th Ward Bureau staff. Lulled into false complacency with the relatively low-ghoul crime rate of the ward. Everyone chatted cheerfully, and it made him sick, but he maintained a tight mask of impassivity. Kamemochi was a fool.

“Ah, Rank 2 Investigator Kaneki!” A brown-haired man leapt to his feet in a warm greeting. He pushed his round glasses up his nose, a welcoming smile on his round face. “Good morning. I have been assigned to support you. I’m Rank 3 Investigator Kusaba Ippei.”

There was too much softness to the older man. Kaneki let his lips curl into a cold smile that few would interpret as friendliness. Kusaba almost reminded him of the spineless coward that had existed before Hide’s murder. Such a soft man had no place in the CGC because he would surely die for it.

“Liase with your Information Head for all relevant information pertaining to ghoul activity. Call me when that is done and brief me.” Giving commands came easily to him, he watched as the other man deflated at the dismissal, before he nodded vigorously in acceptance of his tasks.  

He raised no questions and for that Kaneki offered a tight genuine smile. “Thank you, Investigator Kusaba. Your work will be invaluable to my hunt.”

Resolved, then and there, Kaneki already knew he would not involve the other man. Despite his ordinary face, something about him was painfully familiar. When he looked at Kusaba the face he saw wasn’t the one that belonged to the man. Projecting, that was exactly what the counsellor called it.

As he checked the time, he readied himself for the planned trip to the café. Before that, he had to drop by his temporary accommodation and change into something that didn’t scream Dove. It would just be like slipping back into his old skin, by becoming the college student that he had once been.  

With every passing hour, the window of opportunity he had been given slipped away. A Rank 2 Investigator rarely ever would be given such a free reign without a senior to train them. Only his reputation as Arima-san’s student had influenced the decision to grant him permission. Of course, the stipulations were that he should not plan to engage without support. Nothing, not even regulations, would prevent him from pinning down and eliminating his prey. That drive was all he had left.

Yukimura 1/3 proved troublesome to conceal. He frowned and stared into the full-length mirror where even someone partially sighted would make out the quinque on his body. And that would defeat the purpose of his trek to that Anteiku café. The guns that bureau investigators used were worthless in close combat.

Early on in any CCG training, it would be drilled into students of never being unprepared. Their enemy could be anywhere around them.

No matter where a CCG Investigator went, and for whatever purpose, they remained ready to fight. _It was the weakness of humans to succumb to complacency_ , Kaneki thought to himself as he left the apartment.  _And that was what killed so many of them when up against a ghoul._

Ahead of him, lay the destruction of the Binge Eater. How he would get there did not much matter to him. She was the _Black Goat_ and in some twisted way he had become the son. Everything he was now could be traced back to the one who had killed Hide. Whether or not she would ever know it, she would be the architect of her own end, because Kaneki would not rest until she was erased from this world.

Her existence was a distortion and her actions had twisted Kaneki’s world beyond repair. He didn’t even have a name to put to the vague face that he had admired once. How ironic that he had lived within the dark tragic worlds painted by others for so long, only to find himself the star of such a grim, colourless reality. The former literature student in him really appreciated the poetic symmetry of it all.

Disguising a blade quinque had never exactly been covered in his investigator education. Kaneki had a quick ruffle through one of the hall cabinets, no doubt someone had left items behind after their stay in this CCG apartment. _Perfect,_ he thought, pulling out a long duffel bag. It reminded him of some sort of sports bag that he saw high schoolers traipse about with. Yukimura 1/3 slipped in with ease and Kaneki allowed himself a brief flash of triumph at the small victory he’d gained.

He slammed the apartment door shut behind him.

* * *

 

Anteiku café was a very ordinary looking building. Kaneki gazed at the two- floor building, he remembered happy times spent there, but they were warped by his memory that it had been here Hide had asked that girl out on a date.

Hide had wanted to feel her out, he had jokingly said; so, he could make sure she was good enough for his best friend. When Kaneki looked at the innocent building, he was struck with the sudden desire to tear it down brick by brick. Those destructive thoughts made him feel guilty and ashamed, as he pictured the face of the kindly elderly man who he thought was the manager. 

Walking up the steps to the café, he took a deep breath to ready himself.

Kaneki sniffed and a warm rich aroma of coffee filled his nose. He blinked. Had the coffee smelled so divine in the past? Appreciatively, he took another sniff that made his mouth water in anticipation. Maybe his new responsibilities had brought about a greater appreciation for coffee.

The waitress was a slim woman and one he recognised from before. Her long dark hair fell about over her shoulders. She greeted him politely. There was a brief flash of recognition on her otherwise quite neutral face. Kaneki deduced that she had a rather good eye for faces, given that his face had thinned out and looked different now.  Even his hair had grown out into wispy little waves that framed his face. His shoulders had broadened and what little fat he’d carried before was now lean muscle. 

He gripped the mug of steaming black coffee. Let it burn through the calloused skin of his hands with no move made to place it down on the table. His fingers tapped against the mug and he inhaled the rich aroma of the drink. Relaxing was difficult, he forced himself to anyway. Sipping the liquid even when it was scorching against his lips and tongue. Only then did he place it down on the table.

Kaneki lowered his eyelids and reached out with his remaining senses. People were served quickly as the quaint little café filled up with customers. More staff had come down to work through the tables and all of them were light on their feet. For a moment, it felt like he was back with Arima-san.

He sighed and rubbed at his neck. Stakeout would never be his favourite responsibility, and he hadn’t even had the forethought to bring a book! The footsteps around him were oddly comforting to listen to.

If only there was someone with him that could fill the void of silence. Kaneki didn’t know how much he had relied on the chatter of others in his ear until he had to make do without it. And it wasn’t the same when he tried to follow the conversations of those around him.

Silence was simply too lonely.

Faint hunger pangs had his stomach clenching. Kaneki tried to think back on the last time he had ate. Had he fed himself the night before? _Probably not,_ he decided. Not in the poor state of mind he had been in after his episode.

That he had hunger pangs did not encourage him to order anything. The dichotomy between should and would seemed to be a recurring issue with him. At least there was no-one who would take it upon themselves to scold him for not taking care of himself.

“You!” Touka said. Knowledge of her name filled his mind the moment she brandished her pencil at him almost threateningly.

Kaneki barely stopped himself from drawing his quinque. He blinked owlishly, not sure as to what would prompt such an unfavourable greeting,

“Can’t tarnish the pride of our café by sitting there hungry! I won’t allow it.”  She continued with the voice of someone who would not be disobeyed. 

 _How intimidating she was even when he was trained to kill ghouls,_ Kaneki thought. Looking at the small and formidable young woman that glared at him beneath her long bangs with a trace of a smile. What an awkward kindness she was trying to bestow on him. It had been too long without any.

He raised his head and met her gaze. “Please accept my apology for my unintended slight. “

“You can make amends by giving me your order.” She responded. Ducking her head to hide the faint flush on her pale cheeks. “ _No one_ goes hungry here.”

Odd, that was the only word that could be used to describe her. Kaneki could not read her motivations very well, but he did not miss the mild emphasis on ‘no-one’ that she had let slip.

Without a pause he gave her his order, and resolved himself to question her. Who better than a worker to ask about someone who might be a regular patron? Sometimes, to his shame, the memories of before were faded and distorted. Things that ought to be clear had become foggy and difficult to recall with any accuracy. Memories broken and glued haphazardly back together.

Ah, his thoughts had meandered far from the task at hand again. Frequently, he lost his grip on what was going on around him, but being back at the 20th Ward made it worse. Trauma, the specialist had said, and then gone on to clear him as fit for CCG duty.

What he liked about Anteiku was how spacious and airy it was. Light flooded through the tall glass windows that made up the exterior wall. Lush greenery filled the low-standing planters placed in intervals around the seating area.  Creating a homely atmosphere for patrons to relax in.

A lot of love had gone into crafting the interior of Anteiku. Being back in the café brought back regrets at his earlier urge to destroy it for his own selfish whims. Someone had poured their soul into creating a small neighbourhood café, and he read the care that was etched into every surface of the café, as he would from the fruits of _Takatsuki Sen’s hand._

Within a rotten world where evil lives, could exist small havens, even fleetingly. Even an inoffensive café like this Anteiku had a limited lifespan. One day, it might erode that it would collapse inwards upon itself.  

In the end, what tied people together was an illusion of permanence.  And even the strongest of them would eventually shatter. Losing those illusions just made the world a dark and lonely place to reside in.

Kaneki took another long sip from his mug. Aware of the waitress called Touka arriving with a plate of sandwiches.

On autopilot, he thanked her as courtesy demanded. Felt a pang of something in his chest when she nodded and turned on her heel to hurry away from him. _Good, she was wise to stay away,_ Kaneki affirmed to himself. People like the waitress all deserved to live a life far removed from the war between ghouls and the CCG.  Kaneki had no intention of bringing the fight to this place.

He gnawed on his lip, in between bites of his food.  Most ghouls had preferred hunting grounds, where they would prey until stopped, but his target had already struck in the 20th Ward. Furuta had insisted on the validity of the intelligence he had passed on. Furuta Nimura was a tricky man and liked to play pranks on others. 

The Binge Eater would be breaking her pattern by lingering in one ward. Hadn’t she already broken her own methodology when she stopped her binges after Hide’s death. 

Furuta Nimura had said. _“All intelligence has The Binge Eater as a permanent resident of your home ward, Kaneki-kun. Quite out of character for someone of that appetite to stay in that Ward.”_

Fuming at his own narrowmindedness; he took a gigantic mouthful of his cooling coffee. For someone who had studied a subject of interpretation, he had made quite a novice mistake by making such lazy assumptions. 

Kaneki seethed with silent fury. Furuta had played him, hadn’t he? Kaneki wasn’t the same naïve fool that latched onto the barest lashings of kindness. Experience had taught him that to love was to open himself to loss. Every now and then, he was wistful for what he once possessed, but then he thought of Hide.

His best friend, who had been there for as long as Kaneki could remember. Even when his mother had as good as killed herself; left him to his Aunt who didn’t care, Hide had always been there for him. Even during his darkest moments, he had always been able to believe it would be okay if he had Hide.  

Rushing things, like putting the waitress Touka on the spot, and interrogating her on his suspect, wouldn’t do. And so, despite every instinct telling him to dive right him, he squashed down that desire with his newfound ruthlessness. His investigation might well span longer than he had allotted. No trouble, he was smart enough to know what would prolong his presence in the 20th Ward. 

Kaneki had to spark off some alerts of middle-rated ghoul activity. An investigator of his rank and experience would be a logical choice to support the Bureau. Resources would be wasted if they assigned Rank 1 and above to such mundane hunts. Of course, it meant he would lose what loose official approval he had to locate the Binge Eater...

 _It would all work out,_ he thought smugly. He chewed what remained of his sandwich down quickly and drained his mug with one continuous gulp. Absolutely no time to waste if he wanted to find enough justification for a temporary transfer. Kaneki would manipulate the variables to ensure that nothing stood in his way. A single-minded ruthlessness that he thanked Arima-san for passing onto him.

When he placed the mug down on the round table; his work phone began to ring. What information could Kusaba have discovered for Kaneki?

Keen to find out, he tapped the answer icon. “Kaneki speaking. Don’t worry about it, there has been a change of plans…” 

 


	3. Transition Between Realities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edits, what edits. I word vomit and then post like the trash heap member I am. I should probably actually read the manga completely. I only read the exciting Q parts. But the introduction is set, so, now I need to actually outline what happens. 
> 
> Early June, 2012, Hide goes on a 'snooping' date with Rize. He never returns alive.  
> Mid-July, 2012, a grieving Kaneki begins his journey with the CCG.   
> October, 2013, the story begins with Kaneki aged 20, with him being the catalyst for events.

Spread out over the vertical canvas panels, the map of the wards was covered in colourful pins. Kaneki knew that just because the 20th Ward had a low recorded crime rate from ghouls didn’t really mean much. What it did mean was that they were very smart, perhaps even hunting outside of the ward to prevent CCG attention. Some, like his true target, had never attempted to conceal their victims.  They moved across different municipalities of Tokyo to avoid their capture and death. Binge-eater was an outlier case for the 20th. 

Of course, he knew it was arrogant to think he could find things that experts couldn’t. Kaneki had seen the expressions on some of the bureau staff when he had commandeered a meeting room. It helped that Kusaba seemed well-liked, which smoothed things over for Kaneki, who had gained the man’s approval. 

After discovering that, he had used that small advantage to the death. Kaneki was grateful that the First Rank Investigator Madou was had been pulled away when the Binge-eater went dormant here. He had a reputation for being mad and single-minded in his pursuit of future quinque. With an appearance that seemed more ghoulish than any ghoul. Due to the peaceful nature of the ward, most of the work done revolved around the bureau investigators. Ghoul Investigators were rarely permanently based in one particular bureau.

It worked out well for him. Kaneki had done stints across many the wards. Something that, he gathered was unusual for those of his junior status within the CCG. He had heard whispers and he knew that his peculiar experience could be down to his ties to Arima-san. Who, as the Reaper of the CCG, was burdened with responsibilities that did not allow for a typical mentorship. It would be exactly like Arima-san to throw Kaneki out into the wild as a form of harsh and painful training.

Kaneki paced in front of the map as he mumbled under his breath. “If Binge Eater isn’t active, could it mean there are stronger rated ghouls suppressing her? But why not just kill her, if she’s a threat to their continued peace? She can’t be dead; snuffed out quietly in the shadows. She can’t be.” 

He licked his dry lips to moisten them. “Believe nothing you hear…and instead, look to everything you don’t.” 

Mistake number one: he had listened to Furuta and acted without thought. However, listing his many mistakes would be like hearing Arima-san voicing the number of ways he could have killed Kaneki during their training sessions. Demoralising and distracting in where it would lead his thoughts.

Kaneki would have to become a ghoul if he wanted to succeed. Of course, humans didn’t just become _ghouls_. It wasn’t as if he was the tragic protagonist of one of his beloved horror novels. Considering their superior sense of smell; alongside the other unique physical characteristics they possessed, it had become clear that he would need to somehow mimic them. 

Perhaps there existed a way to artificially force his RC cell count to rise, he considered. A method that could distort his human scent enough to throw off suspicion in any interactions he might have. Alternatively, spending sufficient time around ghouls would provide cover if modifying his Rc cell count was not an option. In theory, untested, and only the ramblings of his unscientific mind.

His eyes were dry and it took several blinks to fix them. He took the time to wonder if the logistics of this caper were even plausible. Kaneki could hardly walk out the door, bump right into a ghoul, then ask them to teach him their ways.  Could he? No, that was insane. They would attack and he would have to fight them. Trusting whatever one coerced to help would say could only end badly.

Still, the more he thought about it, the less crazy it appeared. Ghouls had other desires than that of human flesh. Like humans, the finer things in life were attractive, enough that even Kaneki could have leverage. He swallowed nervously. Could he, do it? Negotiating with a ghoul; it went against all that the CCG preached, in public, anyway. And yet, Kaneki was willing, if it could get him what he needed to find her.

If that made him a treacherous man, so be it. Results mattered more than the means, wasn’t that another unofficial CCG mantra? Even so, it wasn’t the prospect of getting caught that worried him, but the idea that it could all be done for nothing, which to him felt far worse. In the end, what difference did it really make? Kaneki laughed bitterly at himself. After all, the result, would still be the elimination of ghouls.  Or he would die.

A knock at the locked door of his borrowed makeshift office annoyed him. Kaneki smoothed his rumpled suit, ran a hand through his hair, then unlocked it to see Kusaba and his older partner. Both laden with boxes of what must be hard copies of their findings, both wearing matching expressions of determination on their faces.

Kusaba spoke up first. “Non-conclusive victims that were attributed to the Binge Eater were wrong! I matched them up, I mean we did, with the Rc type of a B-rank ghoul disposed of in the 12th Ward. You were right, Investigator Kaneki, she’s went to ground.”

Or put to ground, not that the distinction mattered so much. 

“Just call me Kaneki,” he answered, eyes alive with interest at the findings. “Thank you for your hard work.” 

With a straight back and arms pressed against his sides, he lowered himself into a quick bow. After all, being courteous didn’t require him to befriend anyone, or let them try and befriend him.  Showing his gratitude to others at this bureau might help in the long run if he wanted to stay.

Guilt wasn’t absent from within him. It wasn’t as if he was deluded about being justified in using his colleagues for his own selfish reasons. The wrongness of his own actions simply paled in contrast to that of the world. Confronting that ghoul wouldn’t fix anything. It couldn’t fix the gaping void of emptiness that threatened to consume Kaneki. But he could try it.

And was it so wrong, that he wanted to be selfish?

The Rank 2 Investigator didn’t want to betray the trust placed in him. But what other way was there? He was a cog in the CCG, one small unimportant one. Surely, though, he owed those who had equipped him to be stronger. If he could just find a way to reconcile everything, it would all be okay.

A little honesty might go a long way.

“You must wonder, right? Why a rookie was given autonomy for this.” Kaneki licked his lips, before continuing his explanation. “She’s my siren. And until she’s gone, I’m the sailor lured to his doom.  But to prove my suitability as Arima-san’s subordinate I must be controlled. “

Those were the words that almost any of the CCG could understand. Some were born into it, others were reborn into it, but only a few ever made the choice without the impetuous of loss.

Kusaba’s more senior partner nodded like he understood. “Arima-san is unconventional. And because, Kaneki-kun, he marked you out by making a protégé out of you… others in the CCG will be eager to test your mettle as well.”

Hearing such familiarity in how he was addressed made him want to flinch. Kaneki did not want to see the sympathy in the eyes of others. He wasn’t naïve, he knew that being chosen by Arima-san was a double-edged sword. There were a lot of questioning eyes set upon him. People asking what Arima-san had seen in Kaneki, because he didn’t stand out compared to the others beneath Arima-san’s command.

Books, were the answer he bit back from giving. Even if that alone would not influence someone like Arima-san to waste time on someone like Kaneki. An exacting taskmaster, who had snatched him out of training, to make him an investigating assistant. Not long after that; he juggled work and CCG classes, until they judged him acceptable to receive the standard starting rank. 

Kaneki offered a grim smile, he couldn’t tell the truth that he had always known deep down. That Arima had seen the eyes of a dead man and saw a tool that he could shape.  He clenched his hands into tight fists as the memory of that first meeting replayed in his mind.  Even in company, he could not resist the temptation to fall back into his memories. For the sake of distancing himself from the rather unpleasant present. Psychological avoidance methods that only a place like the CCG would consider not to be a hindrance.  Kaneki was another body to throw at the ghouls.

A nobody in terms of familial ties. Insignificant, unless he went on to prove otherwise.  One of his nails pierced through the flesh of his palm. Deep enough to bleed.  Enough of a shock to snap him out of his thoughts.  Not even close to being enough to make him forget his insane plan.

Kaneki just had to wait and figure out the execution. And unlike his earlier thoughts, it would make more sense to remain at his official posting, closer to the CCG Labs. Was he making the right decisions, how was he even to know? Everything was so confusing now. Lines blurring, and even his thinking seemed so warped. Like, all along, there had existed someone else inside of Kaneki.  Trapped until an opening let it escape. 

“Are you okay?” Kusaba’s concerned voice cut through the haze of his thoughts. “Kaneki-san, you don’t look well. “

He looked at Kusaba. Kaneki bit back the impulse to lash out at the man. It was only when he caught a glimpse of himself on a shiny surface that he reined himself in. Hollow-cheeked, dead-eyed, set deep in a face leached of colour.  Eyes that were so bloodshot that they had a passing resemblance to kakugan. 

Faking a smile was so easy, so was the self-deprecating laugh, and the awkward hand through his hair.

“Ah, sorry. Thinking too hard.” He excused himself. Something he had down a thousand times before ever since his episodes had started. These type of lies seemed to come easily to him now. “I’m also disappointed. Binge eater is out of reach for now, and it would be wasteful to use resources up. I should report back to my squad tonight. “

The other two men in the room nodded along.

“Kaneki-san, if anything comes to our attention, you can count on us to contact you.” 

He felt his mouth drop open a little. “That’s not necessary. Really, I won’t be permitted to pursue further investigation. “

Something about the wry look Kaneki received indicated that maybe his lies weren’t so convincing.  He paused for a moment.

“Officially. I’m only a Rank 2, after all.” Kaneki finished. He rubbed his chin lightly as he thought about what a mess he had made of everything since returning to the 20th Ward. Inconsistent, multiple episodes, and far too eager to make dangerous snap decisions. He was _wrong._ Not in the sense of knowledge, but everything about him.

His grip on reality seemed so tenuous. Like a balloon tauntingly rising out of reach, only to be caught at the last moment, and then the cycle would begin again. Up and down, right up until the delicate braided strings snapped completely.  Then, the untethered balloon would keep on rising. Kaneki was the one barely holding the strings.

“Enough is enough. Kids these days don’t know how to take care of themselves. You need to take care of yourself, Investigator Kaneki, so that you can do what you need to do.” Kaneki was firmly scolded, by the middle-aged bureau investigator, who he thought might be named Nakajima.

Nakajima reached out, and grabbed Kaneki by the arm.  “Ippei, grab his quinque, we’re taking Kaneki-san out for dinner.” 

With the firm grip he had on Kaneki’s arm, the no nonsense tone of voice, it was abundantly clear that refusal wasn’t an option. Nakajima, if he really was called that, had decided to forget that Kaneki technically outranked him. Even going as far as forcing Kaneki’s arms through his coat sleeves without the slightest bit of hesitance.  Several times Kaneki tried to protest, only for the brusque older man to ignore him. He dragged Kaneki out the bureau office like he was nothing but a rag doll.  

“Nakajima-san!” Kaneki protested, hoping he had the right name. “This isn’t necessary. “He squeaked as he nearly tripped over his own feet. Despite not knowing Nakajima, which did seem to be the right name, it really did appear as if the older man was enjoying this. Kusaba, the very respectful one, at least had the decency to seem a little torn about the whole thing. 

None of the other office-workers did more than spare a cursorily glance. Happy to let their colleague kidnap away. Even worse, whatever fight there should have been was draining out of Kaneki. As his stomach rumbled appreciatively at the prospect of more food.  He actively forced the thought of a Big Girl burger out of his mind the moment it surfaced.

“I’m treating, so you better eat a lot, Kaneki-kun.” Again, the familiarity was baffling to Kaneki. “You can’t work at your best if your body isn’t fuelled.  You’re only human.” 

Kaneki nodded in response, unable to reject the brusque kindness offered. Kusaba made small talk, both the older men trapping him between them, as if they thought he might flee. Part of him wanted to run away; a response resisted only by reasoning that this was what colleagues did. None of this was in line with his resolution to keep a distance from everyone. Because he was too weak to resist the lure of friendliness.

It was all too easy to be drawn into the chatter. Nakajima said little, he would listen in attentively, cutting in with his own thoughts on whatever Kusaba said.  It was nice to listen to the way they fell into a pattern of exchanges.  Kaneki let them go on uninterrupted. He could only rue that they were so likeable, with a liveliness that appealed to him.  Very at ease with one another, a form of synergy between them. Nothing at all like the cool, and very professional interactions, that he had grown accustomed to with Arima-san.

“Kaneki-san, how does it feel to be working with _him.”_ Kusaba left no doubt as to who he meant; his eyes were wide and expressive, the bit of awe obvious enough to make Kaneki’s stomach roil.  “You must be very talented.  And work very hard, of course, to impress Arima-san.”

Kaneki didn’t answer at first. All three of them piled into one car, no small amount of relief flooding through him, when Kusaba elected to seat himself in the front passenger seat. _Habit,_ he observed.   

“Uh, demanding, lots of work. Arima-san has exacting standards, he must be strict with everyone. But he respects those who work hard, even if they aren’t skilled like him.  He… pushes his subordinates to surpass themselves,” he answered, reluctantly.

 Why did they have to make it so hard to dislike them? It wasn’t fair. No matter how uncharitable his thoughts, how unkind his manner, they were still breaking him down.  Not to mention the ridiculous false image that Kusaba especially seemed to have of Kaneki. What he wanted was for them to leave him alone, didn’t he?

 _Liar! Liar! Liar!_ Taunted a cruel voice inside his head, as if there were multiple aspects of Kaneki, and all of them at war with one another. _Very well then,_ he decided, squaring his shoulders. _It wasn’t like he had to make a big deal over this._ His dark eyes darted forward to follow where the older investigator was driving them all.  Streets, signs, and storefronts, so familiar they left a painful longing deeply set into his chest. This was his home, a voice inside his head hummed, and Kaneki greedily ate up the sights that he had starved himself from for so long. 

“Ah, Kaneki-san, you’re a native, aren’t you?”  Kusaba piped up, angling his head to look back at him. “Welcome home, even if, it’s just for a little while.”

The situation just got worse, Kaneki blinked furiously, trying to clear the moisture forming in his eyes.

He answered with a soft thank you.

Uneasiness brewing in the pit of his belly. Nothing was going as foreseen.  Back at his new ward, emulating how Arima-san could be, had seemed doable. His teacher that he owed a lot to was always composed and professional. Never close to falling apart at the seams, as Kaneki currently was, and had been from the moment he ignored everything he learned about being an investigator, in favour of...

Being undisciplined, too emotionally reactive, and for his flawed decision making culminating in nothing.

“I hope you like curry,” Nakajima spoke cheerfully. “Because that’s what we’re eating. And you can have some sake, even if you aren’t old enough, Kaneki-kun.” 

Meanwhile, he expertly pulled himself into a tight parking space. The spot shaded by an overhanging bush. That Nakajima had chosen to drive in Tokyo might have to do with what Kaneki saw in the wing mirror as he exited the vehicle.  Reflected back to him was the pinched face of someone who could easily be mistaken as one of the ghouls taken into custody by the CCG.  Suddenly mortified, now that he was apparently seeing what others saw, and no wonder the waitress at Anteiku had pushed for him to eat. Dark circles framed his eyes, they were like very vivid and obvious bruises beneath his eyes. 

“I look like Madou-san!” He screeched when the realisation hit him. 

No wonder they wanted to take him out and make sure he ate. Everyone must have been convinced he was part-ghoul. Simultaneously, his embarrassment and horror were merging into one distinct emotion, because he barely seemed human anymore from what he could see in the mirror. The unflatting effect of his dark clothes and ghoulishly pale face further accentuated by the signs of his sleepless nights. 


	4. Beautiful Distorted Minds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trash heap member. Only edited enough to ensure it mostly makes sense. o/ Episode 12 killed me.

Kaneki shoved mouthful after mouthful of curry inside his mouth. Just half chewing before he swallowed, still mortified from his earlier outburst. Even if, fortunately, the unrestrained laughter that erupted from Kusaba had been quick to cover up the horrified silence from the immediate aftermath. Thoughts of what Investigator Madou might do, if he found out were worrying him, but that was a worry for tomorrow.

 Nakajima and Kusaba watched from across the table. Eating their meals leisurely, savouring every bite, in a complete contrast, to the way he was shovelling it down. Eat. Eat. Eat. He chanted to himself, unable to banish the memory of his reflection. Despite the curry being over-spiced, he ate it anyway; hoping that it would bring some colour back into his cheeks.

Nakajima reached over with a cup of sake, handing it to Kaneki with a sly wink.  “Don’t go telling anyone I let someone underage have some.”

So, wait, he thought Kaneki was still a teenager? 

“I’m of age, Nakajima-san.” He corrected gently. Already used to others underestimating how old he was.

The older man just nodded in acknowledgement. Scratching at his stubbly chin in an absent fashion as he nodded approvingly at the near empty bowl in front of Kaneki. In what appeared to be an unconscious habit, he turned to look at his junior partner, who was only halfway through his food.

“See that, Kusaba, that is how a man should eat!” Nakajima lectured, pointing one of his chopsticks at him.

“You always say I eat far too much!” He spluttered and turned to glare at Nakajima with reproach in his eyes. He gesticulated wildly with his chopsticks and grains of rice went flying all around them.

Kusaba had an appearance that was wholly unthreatening. Both he and Nakajima were playful in their dynamics, even when Nakajima was scolding his younger partner. Nothing at all like his own relationship with any of those who worked under Arima-san. Even with Arima-san, there was always a huge gulf between them. Their interactions controlled with an exact and methodological formula.

So, this was what being a CCG worker could be like, he reflected silently. Relieved to see the two others were too distracted with their squabbles to drag him into conversation. He finally had time to drink some of the sake, even if the flavour made his nose wrinkle up in disgust.  Which made up for the unpleasant flavour, was the pleasant warmth that he was beginning to feel in his belly. Maybe the alcohol wasn’t such a bad idea after-all. 

Feeling more relaxed as time went on, he dozed lightly. Never going too deep into it, he was in public after all, but enough that it was easier to think things through. Providing an interlude to process the past few days without the distorting veil of his tumultuous emotions to lead him astray.

He didn’t need to self-flagellate anymore about the lack of result. Maybe it was what the cowardly part of him wanted to happen from the start. For everything on Kaneki’s part to be purely performative because he didn’t actually want to come face to face with the S-rated Binge Eater. Making his feeble convictions nothing but a farce on his part. And even as he thought that, he knew deep down there was some truth to it, which had the strange consequence of making him feel better. 

Hide would have been in his element with investigating ghouls. Inquisitive to the point of recklessness; ever since they had become friends, it had been up to Kaneki to convince Hide that some of his plans for escapades were just too much. Not always successfully, though.

In fact, if Hide could see him, the blond would bemoan the fact Kaneki let things be so boring.

 _“C’mon, man. You are like a secret agent now. Why aren’t we hitting Big Belly to impress the cute waitresses, buddy?”_ Hide would have said something along those lines. Pulled exaggerated faces at him as if they were back in middle school again. But if Hide wasn’t already gone, Kaneki wouldn’t know what it felt like to be slammed against walls. To know, intimately, how much blood the human body could spill over the ground. He would still be at university.

Binge Eater had to be stopped, and he selfishly wanted to be the one to do it. This motivating goal of his had carried him to where he was now in the CCG. Everything was so wrong, the world distorted all around him. Sometimes, even he questioned if he was actually the one changed. Deep down he understood that the world hadn’t changed, it was as it had always been.

“Kaneki-san, are you ready to go?” Kusaba said, drawing Kaneki away from his thoughts. “Nakajima-san has already settled the bill.”

Kaneki blinked owlishly, wondering where all the time had gone. Not that he was displeased at being freed from obligation to remain out with his colleagues. He didn’t intend to be ungrateful after Nakajima-san had paid for his meal. He supposed it helped that Nakajima and Kusaba were predominantly office workers in a usually safe ward. Not at all like the reality that the teams led by Arima had a higher casualty toll. It couldn’t be helped when Arima-san was at the forefront of the more dangerous operations because of his prodigious skill.

Remembering his manners, Kaneki stood up to lower himself into a shallow bow. “Thank you for the meal, Nakajima-san.” 

Nakajima averted his gaze and waved his hand at Kaneki dismissively. “It was nothing. Kusaba hasn’t paid for a meal since we started working together. It would be strange to change it up when I invited you in the first place.”

Invited was a very weak word to use to describe how Kaneki had been taken by force. However, his mother had not taught him to be ungrateful to others. She had placed kindness to others above all else, and it had been the very thing that had killed her when he was ten.

Maybe Nakajima’s kindness wasn’t the same as Kaneki’s mother. There were other ways to show kindness that didn’t consume a person up until they were a husk. To return the kindness shown to him, it would be only right to buy Nakajima a nice meal.

Next time work brings us together, I’ll repay Nakajima-san, he promised himself. Pulling on his coat and moved to follow his two companions towards the exit. Tired, disappointed, and that wasn’t even half of what he felt, given how confusing everything was inside his head.

Kaneki had a lot to work through when he retired for the night. A lot of things to reconsider given the events of his temporary return to what had been his home. Maybe his lack of sleep and eating was a huge factor in his — he was reluctant to frame it as — craziness. Added to by all the pressure he was facing to prove his worth to Arima-san.

Moving smoothly alongside the other two men, he let them take the lead. Which was why he was startled when Nakajima cursed loudly as he neared his car. 

“Those delinquents with the weird hair are getting worse and worse!” He growled as he walked a circle around the vehicle. “Unbelievable. No respect for rules.”

Kaneki raised an eyebrow and hurried over. Squinting in the pale light offered by the street lights to view what had Nakajima swearing. It wasn’t something that could be missed, two of the tyres had been shredded up. No doubt about it, some of the teenagers who wandered about at night could have done it. There were only a few other cars nearby and instinctively he went to inspect them as well. Their owners had probably let them after enjoying too much alcohol. Not a single one of them had been targeted by those who vandalised Nakajima’s car.

As odd as it struck him, he supposed that they might have left in a hurry. Or gotten bored with the effort it took to destroy. However, there was no escaping the fact they would have to walk back. Taxis rarely operated in this district late at night unless they were pre-booked.

Kusaba groaned loudly. “If we walk back to the Bureau, I can drive you both back home. I’m sorry about your car, Nakajima, hopefully there is security cameras.”

Kaneki wasn’t staying more than a short walk from the offices. “That won’t be necessary for me, Kusaba-san.”

“You can bet you are dropping me off home, Kusaba. And picking me up for work tomorrow if you know what is good for you.”  Nakajima replied with no bite to his voice. “Ah, you’ll be staying at the staff-apartments then. That’s good, Kaneki-san. I don’t suppose we’ll see you again tomorrow?”

Kaneki paused for a moment before nodding. “I plan to leave early after the paperwork is sorted. Arima-san does not approve of loitering when there is real work to be done.”

“He’s a tough one, that’s for sure,” replied Nakajima, looking pensive for a moment. “But you have to be to live long enough as a Ghoul Investigator.”

A fact that he would never be allowed to forget when he got reminded from all directions. Back when he had first started training, he had no muscles to boast of. Had been called ghoul bait by more than one individual. Fortunately, physical training had built him up quickly and revealed he had the reflexes and potential to make it as a field Investigator. With lots of hard work.

“Yes,” Kaneki answered, not at all really sure on what to say in response. He knew that the life expectancy for the average one was very low. “That’s why we always have wills.”

 Even if, like Kaneki, they did not have anyone left behind. The only thing on his was explicit instructions that what existed of his maternal family had no claim to him. His books were willed to Arima-san if he desired to take any from the large collection. That was all.

“Ghoul Investigators really are something,” Kusaba spoke up, staring at Kaneki in a way that made him feel uncomfortable. “To sign themselves up for such dangerous work. I wanted a desk job like I have now because it wasn’t dangerous. I don’t really have the stomach for it.”

He heard the admiring tone of voice that the other man had. It wasn’t directed at Kaneki in particular; which was good because he wouldn’t know how to deal with it, but to the role of those who directly fought ghouls. He was right, all of them were certainly something else.

“Enough chitchat,” Nakajima said impatiently. He raised a hand and tried to stifle a yawn without any success. “Loitering about like a bunch of delinquents is embarrassing.”

Nakajima took the lead. Striding away in the direction of their destination without another word.

“Wait! Nakajima-san, I have to get my briefcase!” Kaneki called out, stopping in midstride when he had noticed the absence of it. In response, the older man pivoted around and flung the keys towards him. Arima-san’s perchance to throw objects during training served him well because he snatched them out of the air with ease. He turned towards the car and quickly retrieved the quinque carrying case.

Kusaba waited patiently for him to lock the vehicle before he went into motion. They caught up with Nakajima quickly. Two of them silent and listening to the high-spirited chatter that seemed never-ending from the glasses wearing Kusaba. His high output of nonsensical sentences didn’t irritate as much as intrigue. Everything about the other man’s appearance, screamed of his friendly nature. Disliking someone like him, was simply too difficult to force.

But of course, it didn’t mean it wasn’t exhausting to listen to. He told himself the walk back would be over soon. The late time of night meant the streets were quite empty. Even in a ward as quiet as this one, many people seemed to avoid late nights outside.

Things were quiet and very, very still. They moved through narrow streets, heels scraping against the ground. Not even Kusaba was talking now, there was a tension in the air. Kaneki could hear the low thrum of an engine driving along the main road a few minutes away. His grey eyes darted around and he could not help but feel as if something was not right. 

From side to side he glanced, he found nothing that warranted suspicion. A hanging sign swung with a creak up ahead and to the right. The grip on the handle of his briefcase tightened, the uneasiness not dissipating when they passed through the dark side street.

Hairs on his arms and the back of his neck stood on end. Kaneki was very aware of every breath taken between the three men. Conscious of the step of the heel of their smart work shoes that made a soft click when it hit the ground. And then, the change in the air came too late, because a blood red spear went through the side of Nakajima. A Kagune…

Taken aback, he hesitated long enough that Kusaba went down, before he had his quinque activated.

Yukimura 1/3 extended, a beautiful gleaming blade made from a B-rated ghoul. When the ghoul launched at Kaneki, instead of using the kagune like it had for the others, he widened his stance slightly. Distributing his weight more evenly to take the force of the attack. He could tell the ghoul was taller and wider than him.

Garbed in black leather and in a fiendish blood red mask, he thought that the ghoul was probably male. The ghoul changed his mind in mid-lunge, coming to a halt in front of Kaneki with predatorily grace. Those terrifying ghoul eyes roaming over him. 

That was when Kaneki attacked.

“I’d sooner have thought you a starving ghoul,” the distorted male voice taunted. He ducked to avoid the swing of Yukimura 1/3 with perfect ease. “Kind of wimpy for a dove, but I guess that makes it easy for me.” 

Nakajima was clutching his torn-up side. Kusaba had a chunk torn off his thigh; his face full of horror at the unexpected attack from a ghoul in this ward. With his attention occupied by blood-red masked ghoul, there was no time for Kaneki to make a call for support. Hopefully, one of them would have the presence of mind still to sound an alert. Meanwhile, he braced himself, knowing it wasn’t just his life at stake if he failed to utilise his training up until now.

This ghoul was quick, but not quite as quick as Arima. Of course, that didn’t mean Kaneki had an advantage against it when he was merely human. His breathing quickened and his heart was pounding. Investigators were usually in at least a pair when confronting ghoul targets. Someone as inexperienced as him, almost never was allowed to be alone with a ghoul.  Which was why being given the tentative approval to investigate the binge-eater had surprised him. But, he supposed, that Arima probably had seen it as a means of testing him. As if the distant and strong man had known more than was on CCG records. 

 _Think like Arima,_ Kaneki told himself to remain calm. With his reputation as the Reaper of CCG, Arima never lost his cool at any time. Although he was just Kaneki Ken and without the same skills and experience as his mentor, Arima. However, Kaneki was far more flexible than his teacher. Arima had told him to use to his advantage when wielding his quinque. His speed and reflexes were what would make up for his comparatively smaller body. 

When the barb caught on the sleeve of his coat, he almost dislocated his wrist so that he could sever it with his quinque. Noisily, the ghoul was swearing and cursing at him, but not deterred enough to flee the scene. Instead, the ghoul snarled, and he charged towards Kaneki. His bloodied teeth visible even in the dim light of the moon and stars. Kaneki could feel the malice and intent to kill that poured off his attacker in waves fill the air around them.

Kaneki didn’t wait on the defensive, he didn’t want the ghoul anywhere near the injured bureau investigators, and he shifted his position to make his own counterattack. He was scared. His slow response would have killed him if he had been alone. Combat where all the responsibility lay upon his shoulders was drastically different to anything he’d experienced. Now, more than ever, was the time to find that serenity, so to fight back unshackle by his fears.

Processing things while reacting to them was exhausting. Fighting a ghoul took it to an entirely different level of difficulty. He could hear sirens in the distance, reinforcements arriving.

Kaneki bent backwards and let the regenerated barbed end pass over him. If he could just destroy the base, his ghoul opponent would be unable to regenerate it quickly enough. As he straightened back up, he narrowly evaded a kick that would have shattered ribs. Yukimura 1/3 slashed at the leg, his aim focused on just below the knee, only to slice through the ghoul’s leather trousers above the ankle.

The force of his slash severed the ankle and foot. And his ghoul opponent with a red fiend mask screamed, a very human scream of pain and fear, but Kaneki couldn’t hesitate…

Taking advantage of the ghoul being distracted, he put all his weight into crashing against him. Further inhibiting his opponent’s ability to launch a counter attack. Though, he didn’t seem to have the same kind of regeneration factor that others possessed and that gave Kaneki the exact opening needed.

His chest was heaving and he was having to block out the pleas and angry cursing from beneath him. This ghoul wore the same shape as Kaneki and he blubbered and pleaded like any human. In the face of death, like anyone, all he wanted to do was live. That was why Kaneki closed his eyes when he brought the quinque down in a killing blow.

 Red blood splattered all over them both. Nausea rose sharply as it hit him that he had single-handedly killed someone. All the blood was because he, Kaneki Ken, had fought and killed someone. He felt sick. It had never been like this before when supporting his seniors with office work, and lurking in the background of apprehensions, but this time it had been him to kill…

No. No. He -  Kaneki — was a murderer? Maybe it had never seemed real before, he’d fought as part of a team, as was expected of an active investigator in the CCG. But to be the one to kill?

“I had to kill him,” Kaneki spoke aloud. He found it difficult to calm himself, with the way his face was slick with blood, and the rest of him not much better. “I had to do it.”

People were shouting around him. He saw lights switched on that had not been before.

Normal police services had shown up to make a cordon. Reinforcement from the CCG was here to take control of the crime scene.

Kaneki moved to pull himself up and away from the corpse. Dazzled by the lights coming from all directions. They had procedures that he would need to follow. Yes, that was exactly what he now had to do; not to mention check on Nakajima and Kusaba. They had been hurt.

“Stay where you are!” An unfamiliar person said, their voice laced with panic.

Not understanding why, they were panicking even though the danger had passed, he ignored the speaker. Kaneki then tried to stand upright. Using the quinque still piercing the ground through the corpse; he tried to lever himself up, only to realise far too late that the ghoul had skewered him too.

Kaneki was already standing when he looked down oddly calm. Understanding that there had been a barbed kagune through what he thought was his stomach? No, not quite, he could tell that it was more to his side. So that was why someone had tried to stop him getting up. He pressed one hand against his bloody waist and felt those fingers grow slick with his own blood.

Kaneki wondered if it should be hurting him. It didn’t hurt at all and that was quite nice.

“He’s dead.”  Kaneki addressed the first person to reach him. “I killed him.”

Saying it made him sway, or maybe that was the blood loss. Kaneki wasn’t sure which of those reasons was correct. He was suddenly very interested in the heaving of his chest as he tried to suck in enough oxygen. When he tried to breathe too deeply, that was when everything started to hurt.

His eyes were wet and he reached up his bloodied hand impulsively to touch. Was he crying? What was he feeling to make him shed tears? It was just a ghoul, right? He had tried to kill Kaneki and other people. In order to live, he must have killed many other people. To end such an existence was the job of a Ghoul Investigator. Kaneki had done the right thing, right?

People were manhandling him, talking to him in low, soothing voices. “Relax, Investigator. Your colleagues will take it from here.” 

Honestly, it felt so strange. Kaneki was right there, amidst the scene, but it felt as if he was much further away. Disconnected from the bustle that was taking place all around him. It was easy to allow the medics to put him onto a stretcher without any protest.

A lightbulb moment happened. This was a reaction to a stressful and dangerous situation — he was in shock.

“I need to report to Arima-san!”  Alarmed at his oversight, he tried to bolt upright and had to bat a hand away as he scrambled for his work phone. “Sorry, but I need to report to…”

His protests went ignored and he was carried off into the back of an ambulance. With gauze being packed into his wound to stem the bleeding. The first aid hurt worse than receiving the actual wound had. Then again, why did he need to report to his superior? It would be the Bureau Director since this was the 20th Ward. He knew all of this so why was he confused?

“You require hospital treatment before you do anything more,” he was told bluntly.

Plus, he couldn’t remember where he had placed his work phone. Things were a getting quite fuzzy from the adrenaline leaving his system. Mere minutes had passed, and he remembered why he was on his way to the hospital, he had been injured by that ghoul he had fought.

Arima-san never got himself injured. Thinking of his superior only made him want to hang his head in shame. He wished he had water to clean his mouth of the taint caused by the metallic taste of blood. Still feeling sick to the stomach about the most recent event of his life.

Was this what the protagonist of The Black Goat’s Egg would have felt. At first, before the impulses bled through to him as well. In time, would the act of taking a life become a meaningless act to him? The Ghoul Countermeasures Law placed no worth or right of life on ghouls.

Before losing Hide to a ghoul, he had never put any thought to what seemed like a creature belonging in his books. There had been nothing but blood and chunks of his flesh left at his apartment. Kaneki didn’t like to think in any more detail on what happened to his remains. Working at the CCG had already given him a basis upon which to form his own conclusions.

“Are you Kaneki Ken-san?”  The man in a white coat asked softly. He stood to the side of Kaneki’s gurney, while it was pushed through the automatic doors of the emergency department.

The man smiled warmly, then he continued to speak. “I’m Dr Kanou, and I will be the one treating your injuries. Don’t worry about anything. You are in very good hands.”

 


End file.
